Fears...

Sorry I have not updated this blog sooner. I am sure you all are on pins and needles wanting to know the outcome of the first sonogram. Well, we have been blessed with one little sac and one little hearbeat. The heartbeat was so small, the Dr. could not count it. But, it was there...and that's what I wanted to see. Whew!! My IP's were there to see it as well...and I am so thankful that they were able to be there to see it. YAY!!

We will go back on December 22nd for the 8 week ultrasound. That is only a week away....

So, here is why I titled this blog today, the way I did.

I am scared! Plain and simple! I am scared of something happening to this baby. I hear stories of how some surrogates go in for their such and such ultrasound, and the Dr. tells them that the baby stopped growing at such and such a week. And then it is over for them. I am scared that it will happen to me...no matter how much I pray that it won't. You all have to understand that it's just me...having to worry over anything and everything!! What kind of person would I be if I didn't worry?? In the words of Mr. Owl...the world may never know!!

I want everything to be perfect in this pregnancy....I want statistics on the hows and whys women lose babies via IVF. Or why any women lose babies for any reason at all. I want facts...but...all I have to go on are wives tales and stories and my own fears.

I KNOW that this is not in my hands...and it hasn't been in my hands since we started this journey. My IP's have put their complete trust in me...and I don't want to let them down. I never had to worry when I was pregnant with my own kids. I don't think I worried once...I was pregnant...and that was that. And most times during my pregnancy...it was always...I am 2 months pregnant...or 4 months or some other number like that. Never was it...I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I feel like I have never known my body so well as I do now!!

Someone told me that this is a rollercoaster of uncertainty...and boy...do I believe her!! I want to get in...buckle up...and be able to hold on for the entire ride...and try not to worry that the seat that I am riding in will come off it's tracks...but I do...everyday. SIGH!!

OK...enough of my ramblings for now....you may exit the roller coaster to the right...and thank you for riding the Andrea Fear Train!! :)